The Breath

I watch the IN breath and I say in my mind, "arising". I watch the OUT breath, saying in my mind, "passing". I watch each IN breath and I watch each OUT breath. (Seems pretty boring, I know.) I keep watching. I notice there is something at the end of my OUT breath -- no breath. Just nothing. But I don't die or anything. I'm just not breathing in or out, either one. I keep watching each breath. Usually, the IN breath seems kinda short. The out breath seems very long, and then it is trailed by this long "no breath" thing. Then I see something I don't know how to describe without sounding weird, but I don't care if I sound weird: I see that the IN breath and the OUT breath, are not separate. They are one breath. They are like a circle. And somehow I see that this circle is like the very life I am living each moment. One minute I may be happy (IN breath), the next instant I am angry (OUT breath) and usually I am angry because the thing that made me happy is absent. Or one day I am in the midst of funk -- life is the worst ever. The next day, my life is a pinnacle, very pleasant. The instant I am happy, I can look at that happiness and know that it will pass. And, too, one moment I can be very angry, and I can look at anger and know that the next instant or two later, the anger will be replaced with some other thought or grasping desire or planning. All arising and passing phenomenon. All thoughts in the mind.

Aversion

Trapped inside aversion for cold weather, for being stuck in the house. Aversion for other people's slothful behavior. Desire for things to be other than the way they are. Aversion for incessant talking. Anger. Aversion to anger. Aversion to feeling trapped by anger. Meditating. Anger increasing inside the meditation. Aversion for anger inside my meditation space. Desire for things to always be peaceful. Fear of anger. Fear of being trapped by overwhelming emotion. Will desiring to push things into the mold that will wants it to be in. Aversion: absence of acceptance. Aversion: hate. Closed. Pushing away. Planning mind scheming destructive actions. Sadness. Pain. Grief. Acceptance that things are the way they are today (yesterday) and soon it will pass. Just more passing phenonmenon - neither good nor bad -- just is. Breath is still arising and passing, unaffected by events.

Attention

In this meditation I was paying attention to my breath arising and passing. There is sound from the tv in the other room; I note "hearing" and continue to focus on the breath. Then I note "hearing" again, but this time hearing doesn't pass by, but rather, I am seduced by these particular sounds and my thoughts go straight to the sound -- curious, intrigued, grasping. I notice how my attention reaches out to the sound of it's own volition -- like a mindless reaction. I use my will to pull the attention back to the breath. Mind still wants to investigate the sound. My will makes a choice to put the attention back on the breath. It went back and forth this way a few times until the sound dissolved and I was again watching the breath.

I saw how using my will to place my attention on specific objects, vs. allowing my mind to fly around wildly, concentrates my attention and strengthens my ability to focus. Conversely, and more illuminating for me, I saw how not focusing my attention allows my mind to be swept away by any (or all) passing phenomenon.

Desire

Yesterday, as I was taking a walk, I observed a dog surge into an open field of grass and I saw desire embodied in the dog. His small body was driven by the desire to taste, smell, feel, hear, and satiate sense desire. He was the pure essence of desire, lust, exuberance, hunger, curiousity, excitement...