Aversion
Trapped inside aversion for cold weather, for being stuck in the house. Aversion for other people's slothful behavior. Desire for things to be other than the way they are. Aversion for incessant talking. Anger. Aversion to anger. Aversion to feeling trapped by anger. Meditating. Anger increasing inside the meditation. Aversion for anger inside my meditation space. Desire for things to always be peaceful. Fear of anger. Fear of being trapped by overwhelming emotion. Will desiring to push things into the mold that will wants it to be in. Aversion: absence of acceptance. Aversion: hate. Closed. Pushing away. Planning mind scheming destructive actions. Sadness. Pain. Grief. Acceptance that things are the way they are today (yesterday) and soon it will pass. Just more passing phenonmenon - neither good nor bad -- just is. Breath is still arising and passing, unaffected by events.
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Lately, I've been seeing a lot of aversion for some sounds, certain smells and even aversion for certain thoughts. I watched recently how I saw a thought, didn't like it, and somehow garbled it in my mind, effectively blocking it from entering my mind at all. I can see how we sometimes forget the unpleasant experiences of our lives.
When I watched myself garble the thought, I made myself go back and look at what was so unpleasant. Why did I need to garble it. I then just let the thought go, because it was negative and did not contribute to my highest good.
I no longer need to garble thoughts to forget them. When I do that, it causes problems in my body. If I don't at least acknowledge the thought, it seems to lodge itself somewhere in my body. Better to look it in the eye, in all it's entirety, then kiss it goodbye.
Much much aversion yesterday. Feelings of panic, pain, wounding and fear were overwhelming me. I stopped and went into the restroom, away from the people who I was reacting to, and looked right at the emotions. I counted each one of them off as I felt them, and I watched them pass, arise again, pass... It was very uncomfortable. But it was a first for me, in stopping in the middle of the tumult and watching the overwhelming feelings. It really puts them into perspective that they are just emotions, arising and emoting themselves - I am the observer, and they pass of their own accord, as well. I chose not to be entangled in them for that moment. But there are still emotions coming today, too, so it's not like I have run a marathon in 1:15 or anything. Ha. Still I see empowerment in my meditation practice, using it stay grounded in situations that appear overwhelming.
Today, during my walking med., I received an inspiration that it is time for me to use my inner eyes more. I'm just grasping that knowledge. So it will be food for thought for future usage.
the last post was 5-30-06 since I don't see any date, and I want dates. So I will need to remember to date these posts when I post them... Archghgh! Aversion! Why can't they be dated already by the system!!!
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