Awareness

6-22
I've been noticing an awareness of the temporal quality of experience frequently this past week. I'll be immersed in the activity of the day and in the middle of an intense experience, when my emotions are at their highest, it's like a curtains pulls back and awareness pops its head in and says, "no worries, this will pass, too". And, not only when it is an uncomfortable moment of aversion, but in the middle of really enjoyable activities, the awareness has started popping its head in there, too. There's no opportunity for me to grasp onto these experiences, now. They seem to evaporate when the awareness shows up, and I cannot sink into the emotions of the moment so much anymore. I am present to the experiences, but not so entangled by them. In a way, I miss the entanglement, but it's also refreshing, too. I feel less fear somehow.

I'll continue on with more maybe tomorrow or so in this same spot. I haven't been writing my luminations in here so much for some reason and I think it's because I've been trying to categorize and put the thoughts under those topics. I may give myself permission to ramble... Anyway, these blogs are for that very purpose. I'll see if it helps me to write it all down more. Cause I know a lot of stuff just floated right out of my head and it's gone now because I didn't have a catetgory, or it was just a tidbit.

6-23 I caught my thoughts formulating a fantasy today during my walking med. It was interesting, because first I noticed, then I realized it is a waste of energy to fantasize about a new house because I already live in one, then I noticed that my greater thinking preference was watching the thoughts and phenonmenon vs. fantasizing, like in the old days. This feels very liberating for me, because I think I used to spend a lot of mind energy on fantasizing about things I wanted to happen. If I no longer use my mind energy on those thoughts, it frees up more space in my mind for higher thoughts to come in.

6-26 Before I dropped off to sleep last night I was envisioning myself thin and suddenly my thoughts went back to a time when I was very thin and then catapulted to other times in my life when I was skinny. I saw my skinny arms and tiny waist and then all these memories of feelings that went along with the thinness came back to me. There was a lot of sadness, fear, loneliness, over-controlling, and inadequacy all intertwined into being thin. I see how I am probably subconsciously equating thinness to those uncomfortable feelings and so, though I exercise daily, extra pounds are staying on my body. And with seeing the extra pounds on my body, I've noticed this incredible fear of being fat, and then an aversion/repulsion at fatness. It's mostly a fear. It's my mother's fear. And there's fear in even voicing this fear on the page at this moment. I see it and feel it. It's an aversion and a disgust. But it all narrows down to one big fear. I guess fear of shame. So here it is for all to see. Fear is not real and does nothing. It's an imaginery follicle of nothiness if I just watch it pass by and don't allow it to sprout.